A thought dawned on me this afternoon as I was scurrying about town trying to book bus tickets for this weekend's trip up north to Siem Reap: I should be at home.
My original plane ticket back to the States planned for my arrival in CMH today, at this very moment. And yet, here I am. Another day in Phnom Penh.
I've noticed the past week or so that this calming, settling feeling has washed over my current life situation. Although I'm not sure I'll ever feel "comfortable" in Cambodia, I feel like I am managing every day life pretty well. I'm getting involved in stuff outside work. I've picked up a little Khmer. I've also noticed it's not a novelty to everyone around me that I'm here. With the spotlight removed, I feel this release of pressure, and I can finally start feeling comfortable in my own skin again. (Was that way to many cliches wrapped up into one sentence?)
Perhaps this sense of calm also stems from my work to go with the flow. (Maybe "work" is the wrong word. It's rather oxymoronic to work at relaxing, isn't it?) I've allowed myself a grace period of 6 months where I don't have to worry about the future. I don't have to think about what comes next. I don't have to live in the past. I can soak in the moment. I can discover me.
Maybe I have high hopes that in half a year, I will be enlightened to my true self. That this aura of post-college chaos that I've wrapped around myself will settle into a clear-cut direction for the future. But I like to think I'm an optimist.
Here's to 7 more months in PP.